My shower is POSSESSED!
As I stepped into the shower for what I thought would be a glorious 7 minutes before embarking on a hopeless night with some of my colleagues, the water temperature refused to obey my commands…
The water simply refused to go from cold to warm so I did what any other would do! I stood my ground and with my right hand, turned the dial just a millimeter to the left… My head was immediately greeted by what I could only describe as hell fire!!!!!!!!!
I can now conclude that temperature control in my bathroom is possessed by the same devil that controls the heat of the Sahara dessert… Do not let the dial fool you… The water is either going to be Ice Age cold or Starbucks hot! There is no compromise… and now, my head is “well done” and ready for consumption!
My Symbolic Basket
I like to think that there are people in this world that we should never try and live without unless some supernatural forces interject…Even then, it makes for a good fight to defy the supernatural. These are not necessarily soul mates or future spouses or romantic adventure partners but rather people that seem to understand, compliment, and push you to higher degrees of focus, determination and purposeful aspirations.
I know of such a person…Our meeting, 2 years ago, was an impossible coincidence…Not only was I running extremely late for a date with whom I thought would make a fantastic girlfriend and wife, if I may add…and I still do, but I was at the opposite end of the city…so, I was really “in the wrong place at the wrong time” as people would say, or so I thought at the time… Little did I know that my detour was the beginning of an adventure that would discombobulate my already radical norms and bring about a lot of “firsts.” I say no more to that regards. Besides, my point is that there are people and relationships that we should not take very lightly; Even in this era of extreme independence, there are those who would revolutionize your life!
Allow me to sidetrack a bit…Last night I had a dream… of being in Nigeria again…in my hometown near the city of Owerri…I felt so at home and so free…but yet so very anxious, nervous, uneasy and terrified as if death lurked nearby…I woke up with a mild anger for what has been done to my country and continent by our own people…yes, there remains the historic influence from the west but we have become common houseflies! If you do not get that reference, houseflies are the only insects that are incapable of learning anything!
But I forced myself once more to think of the basket, with the greatest of value to me…that holds my 2 most valuable eggs…together, both eggs account for everything. I stand to lose both eggs…The irony lies in the fact that the basket is no longer in my control…It lies at the mercy of another who would decided whether to return the basket with my 2 eggs still intact or return the basket with the eggs damaged and unusable forcing me to re-initiate a heartbreaking search for a hen capable of laying even just half of one of those eggs!
That would be my compromise!
I LOST a FRIEND
It was Thanksgiving eve. I just returned from a 5 hour drive from Purdue, Indianapolis and Louisville with the most fascinating woman in the Western hemisphere. As I walked into my office, Bobby, one of the most colorful linguists to date exclaimed: What’s wrong ChuChu, you look like you lost your best friend?
I lost more than that. I nearly lost everything especially since what I consider “everything” is just one thing. Months before, a man I called a friend deeply scarred me. He was forgiven but not redeemed and I was in no position to stand a judge. Although forgiven, banned forever from sight and denied interactions…or so I thought. Imagine my surprise months later when other friends, fully aware of the scars boasted pictures of drinking, dancing and celebrating with the condemned… and the audacity of accusing me for being distant and silent….
This affected me… and afflicted my basket that I’ve invested so much energy, time and churific-ness in. Without any transfer of knowledge, thoughts or hints, my basket echoed exactly my sentiments and I was semi-resented. Something has been lost…again…temporarily I assure you, but frustrating nevertheless. The roller-coaster cycles seemed much shorter all of a sudden. My mind, thoughts and heart were elsewhere and I paid for it…an unintended consequence. I had stupidly forgotten how precious the 2 eggs in my basket were. For some reason I grew blind to the fact that my feelings, thoughts and energy could easily be transferred or felt even thousands of miles away!
And just as I prepared a 3 page summary of my thoughts, once again, I was greeted with a paragraph that echoed my sentiments as if my thoughts were being communicated.
I write as though no one can read. This is my compromise!
My $5 Shoes (Too Funny)
When I first got to college, I was still very very poor. I started with one pair of shoes and they were special… Let me tell you why…
So I went to the thrift store and I saw these elegantly brown shoes and I fell in love… Not only because they were brown but also because they were only $5. I just couldn’t imagine why someone, anyone would ever sell them for $5.
I was simply overjoyed… But then things started happening… First, my walking immediately changed… I became a ballet dancer… Tiptoeing and high stepping as frequently as I could ever remember… It was as if the whole world automatically became slippery…
Then winter came… and it was like friction no longer existed… I fell so much that I started asking other people if they had similar experiences… Not knowing my situation, most people told me that falling in the winter is normal… It’s the snow… But I was falling so much and getting up was equally difficult because I’m sliding all over the place and grabbing trees and whatever was close by to help myself up…
I was not willing to give up on those shoes… I even bought a cheap fake brown leather jacket to go along with the shoes… Then one day, I walked into a meeting and one of my friends, Chris, screamed, in front of everyone, Chu, ARE YOU WEARING BOWLING SHOES!!!!!! YO!!! THIS DUDE IS WEARING BOWLING SHOES!!!!
Club Dancing and “Grinding”
Humor me for a seconds as I blab away about my experience with “clubs” and “cub dancing.”
I do not quite understand clubs and club dancing…I call it sex simulation…Why else would I attach my penal area to a stranger’s buttocks….in hopes of what exactly? Once the lights come on, you see people respectively detach themselves from strangers….strangers! Only those who are in “relationships” are left attached! Why is that?
I’ve conducted some RESEARCH on the subject matter and it’s quite fascinating what people allow strangers to do to behind and in front of them…I often notice a lot creepy strangers, men usually, standing around in dark corners and watching, waiting and praying for buttocks to be available…some walk around aimlessly without a motive while others pretend to be on their mobile phones…
They’ll often smile at a lady for a sign of approval in order to approach her and attach his penal area to her buttocks…When such approval is not given, he would then proceed to his next victim! As buttocks is made available, they quickly rush, as if in the middle of a slimy, slow and sneaky race to attach themselves to that available buttocks…is this really normal?
As the music switches and attachments are broken, you’d see desperate men flocking towards available buttocks…sometimes to be turned down…which of course depends on how drunk the butt owner is…the drunker they are, the more successful the creeps tend to be….
I can write a book on my observations but I’ll stop there for now….I too have been one of those men! What a shame!
Hip Hop CAN get you fired!
Today, hip hop almost got me in trouble.
I woke up this morning with the song Show Me by Kid Ink featuring Chris Brown stuck in my head.
Now when a song is stuck in my head, I tend to sing it out loud throughout the day…in my office, in the bathroom, while walking around the production floor and sometimes in meetings.
I had terrific lunch and I was in a magnificent spirit despite the warnings of 15 inches of snow coming this way. I decided to take a walk around the production floor and speak with my floor coordinators to make sure everything was on schedule.
I was was walking, the song just hit me again, and out of my mouth came the chorus before I could even stop it: NOW PUT YOUR PANTIES TO THE SIDE, AMA MAKE YOU FEEL ALRIGGHHHT….AMA GIVE YOU WHAT YOU NEED YEEEAAH…you remind of something, I don’t know what it is…you remind me of something girl you gotta show me!
It was too late…the damage was done. My manger and her guests heard me bellow those lyrics as they were walking in the opposite direction. She stops me with a surprised look on her face and a laugh-smile and asked: Chu? What the heck was that?
I replied: You haven’t heard the song? I recommend it, it’s really inspirational. It’s about a RICH guy who fell in love with a POOR girl and he promised to take care of her: That’s why he said: So put your PENNIES to the side, I’ll make you feel alright.
Phew…she bought it! I need to pick my songs of the day wisely.
WEIRD EPISODE IN THE BATHROOM
I just walked into the bathroom and I kid you not, this is what I heard from one of my operators accompanied by several thunderous sounds which I’m sure came from his rear: THIS IS MAIII HOUSE WOHOO!!
I was instantly terrified. Was he talking to his deficate or was he on the phone? Should I ask if he lives in the bathroom? Because if that’s the case, he’s homeless and that is not his house. Without proper authorization, you are not allowed to camp at the premises after 3:30pm.
I backed out slowly and you could sense that he froze from shame. He obviously believed he was alone and at home. Poor guy. I’ll wait for him to come out. We need to talk!
Interesting Conversation with Chinese fellow on bus!
I met a Chinese guy today, Dec. 25, 2014. We had a great 3 hours conversation.
A year removed from graduation, as an international student, he is very concerned that he won’t find a company to sponsor him and he’ll have to move back to China. Which he doesn’t want at this time of course.
His solution: Find an American girl to marry him. So he decided to brainstorm with me for 3 hours and ask key questions. Summary:
1. Do you think I can find an American girl to marry a Chinese man?
2. American girls like a man with a job and not a student right?
2. What if I get a Master’s degree, will it make me more attractive?
3. If my parents have a lot of land in China, do you think I can convince a girl to marry me?
4. If I get a PhD do you think it’s best I just move back to China and be a professor?
5. What do you think on dating sites such as OkCupid, Match.com and Eharmoney. Would they work for me?
You can imagine my answers to those question… In the end, we concluded it was best for him to start NOW and get a company to sponsor him; then marry a US citizen from one of the dating sites while being sponsored! Love strategic brainstorming with strangers!
I went to church healthy and left with a concussion!
Today, I went to church extremely healthy and now I’m going home with a semi-concussion!
I’m not a big fan of preachers screaming the house down. If your message is compelling enough, you shouldn’t have to scream the house down or repeat the same biblical phrases over and over again to get your points across… especially if you have a point. I went to church to be healed and now I’m leaving with a headache!
I’m surprised they didn’t make me buy a ticket to attend the church I went to today. It was like one theatrical church show. The choir leader was more interested in selling her new album than leading the choir. The visiting preacher took her time advertising her twitter and Facebook accounts. And then she went on to trying to sell her books during her sermon… She made it clear that she accepts master cards, visa cards, personal checks, cash, you name it… She even brought her own card-swipper for you to swipe her card, receive her overpriced book and the Holy Ghost…Then she screamed the same popular biblical phrases for 2 hours while reading her notes and mixing them with nonsensical references in between. I went to church today extremely healthy and now I’m going home with a semi-concussion!
I negotiated with a CEO and he kicked my ass!
Yesterday I had to negotiate with the CEO of one of our big Suppliers.
I thought I was a hot shot but he kicked my ass early. All my preparations went to dust…I was looking at all my beautifully organized data that made so much sense and was going to sell like crazy 20 minutes prior and I couldn’t even understand them. My own data and notes were foreign to me…haha…
I froze and even forgot how to speak English for a minute there. I remember him asking me: WHY SHOULD I GIVE YOU ANY MONEY? YOUR MARGIN FOR ME IS LOW and YOU’VE ALREADY PLACED YOUR ORDER FOR THE REST OF THE YEAR…and my response was simply: because I asked.
But then my supervisor walked into the room and I went from Mr. Beans to James Bond. Re-bottle after re-bottle and I scored big! I was like William S. in his prime (from his birth to his death, he was in his prime.) I came back and gave such a fantastic closing that I even surprised myself. We were offered money on the spot but unfortunately, not a dollar of that goes into my pocket!
Great days ahead!
Today, I dealt with an EAST AFRICAN waiter!
I went out for dinner with my doctor lady friend. Our server was an East African…let’s call him Xobile (pronounced “Click”-be-lay)
Xobile brings our drinks and walks away like he was mustering “look at dis bastard” in a deep African accent.
When I go out to eat, I like to tip via a personal tipping scale. I start off at 15%. Then I would add or subtract a dollar for every significant action by the waiter. For example, if my drink is on time, that’s an extra dollar; If you look like someone slapped you, that’s $1 less.
Anyways, my friend’s drink, a glass of sprite, had a black entity in it. She thought it was a bug and refused to continue with our meal. After my investigation, I concluded that it was a piece of dark chocolate. A new drink was needed. This whole time, Xobile was about 100 feet away eyeing us like we were the reason his life is so miserable. We called him over.
When he got to our table and we told him that the drink had a piece of chocolate in it, he replied, “Oh, I know. I saw it.” I snapped and said, “WHAT? So at what point did you see it? You knew she would need a new drink and you just waited and watched?” He just said, “My brother, ask an you shall receive.”
His tip ended up at -$5. As we left, I left a real tip on the receipt, “Wherever you go, no matter the weather, always bring you own sunshine. You owe me $5 and I’m asking you to receive the two hottest slap you’ve ever gotten…simultaneously!” (ran out of space.)
A VERY UNCOMFORTABLE SITUATION: I thought this guy was going to eat ME!
Have you ever been watched so closely by someone that you start to feel very very uncomfortable?
Today, I decided to live out my fantasies and take my clothes-washing talents to a public laundromat…for some reason, the plan was very relaxing, agreeable and fulfilling while I was thinking about it. For $1.25, the washing machines operate for 28 minutes and for $1.00, the dryers, 80 minutes.
19 minutes into washing, in came this guy I will forever refer to as EYEATOLA (pronounced Ayatola.) Not only did EYEATOLA stare at me continuously like he was going to eat me within the next (19+80) minutes, he brought no laundry, and he elected to sit in the most uncomfortable position known to me. Honestly, I can only recall 2 or 3 times other times in my life when I felt this uncomfortable. I was 97% sure EYEATOLA was going to eat me today. This guy stared at me for 9 minutes while my 2 loads washed and another 62 minutes while they dried (Time it took to load the clothes into the drier is negligible.) I was even hesitant about touching my phone…he might think I’m calling for help and decide to hasten his eatery of me.
I don’t even remember him blinking once and his line of sight was intense and magnified. I was so uneasy that I didn’t even redeem my 80 minutes drying that I paid for…By the sixty second minute, this guy was burning a hole through my forehead and I had to leave with half-dried clothes (more like 61/80 dried clothing assuming that 80 minutes would dry them 100%.) I didn’t even think about talking to him because quite frankly, I wasn’t sure if I remembered how to speak English at that time. That’s how confused I was.
I guess you could ask why I didn’t just leave the clothes in the dryer and come back after 80 minutes. I’m not crazy to leave anything around EYEATOLA…This guy would probably steal my basket, my socks and replace my boxers with bras!
Let’s just hope EYEATOLA didn’t follow me home…I checked thrice already!